First Tanka

After reading Laurence's [link] old old journal series on Tanka, I decided to try my hand at it. I don't expect this piece to be particularly effective, but I figure it's less obnoxious here than posting it to his wall.

I've had the image in my head for a while, I just wasn't sure which poetic style best expressed it. As always, I'd love to hear thoughts and opinions on this piece, especially so from those more experienced with the tanka form.